bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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