We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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