The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
