i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize