There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i think im in europe. pls send help
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
