I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
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