I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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