Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
