Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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