eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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