I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
