census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
