4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
