Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
