You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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