Umm I'm too high to move.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
