then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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