I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Randomize
