Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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