Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
