I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Randomize
