How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
