I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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