I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Ladies don't puke and tell
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
