apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
