My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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