I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
