Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Randomize
