there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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