i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
