Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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