Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
