I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
