My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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