I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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