I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize