That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
