I feel great
I just peed on a car
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize