Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It's just like the Real World with babies
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
