I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Dignity is for republicans.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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