I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
