I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
