So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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