I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
