I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
