just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize