i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
