hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
