I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We just shotgunned beers for America
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dick very happy bro
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
