just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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