Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
