I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
