It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
