I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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