im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
