its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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