When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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