my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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