Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize