Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
